A little story from China

I am sitting here tonight in the quiet after we have had somewhat a rough night.  We call this "survival mode" at our house right now.  Tai is having a very difficult time.  There is a lot of change at our house and he thrives on routine and structure.  His little world has been turned upside down.  There is no more normal for him right now.  Ali has her moments, but for the most part seems to be a bit better.  She definitely needs minimal stimulation.  When she gets overwhelmed it is very obvious to us.  We are trying hard to establish some sort of normal routine in our house.  This is harder to do than it sounds.  Life happens.  Esp with a 5 yo a 2 yo and one dog.  So I sit here and I can only think of one particular day in China and thought I would share it.  For my friends that have been to China, you know all too well that this does in fact happen.  For my friends that have never been to China, I assure you this did in fact happen to us.

While sitting at the airport terminal in Nanning, on our way to Guangzhou, we were bombarded by Chinese people.  Our guide had just sent us on our way through security.  Up until that point she had always been with us "holding our hands" but she was not allowed past security so we said our goodbye's.  The airport, like everything else in China, was hot, small, and extremely crowded.  After walking for quite some time, we finally found 2 seats together and sat down.  My children had not eaten.  It had been a very long morning already and everyone was hot, tired, and hungry.  I purchased a bucket of instant noodles, added hot water from one of the spickets that are scattered throughout the airport (used for noodles, hot tea, etc.) and began to feed my children.  I had one set of chopsticks and two hungry kids.  They each stood in front of me and I fed them alternating between hungry mouths.  Keep in mind that the Chinese people are always staring at us.  Literally, stop in their tracks and stare.  By this time in the trip, I am used to it.  It doesn't bother me so much anymore as that is just the way it is.  You can choose to let it bother you or just go about your business and ignore it.  However, this day, out of nowhere a flock of Chinese people swarm around us.  There were about 10 people, small children to adults all standing around all trying to talk to us.  The school age children knew some English.  The adults were just speaking Chinese.  One college aged girl would translate for everyone.  They were very curious about us, the foreigners.  They wanted to know who we were, where we came from, where were we going, who were these children, why do we have them, are they related, is there something "wrong with them", and it went on and on.  We tried to be polite.  They gave us gifts of unopened Coke cans.  They kept wanting to touch my children.  In a sweet and kind way, like touching their cheeks, stroking their arms.  They were oohing and awwing over how cute they were.  They were all very sweet and kind.  BUT... it was a bit much!  Enough was enough!  Ali seemed the least freaked out by this.  After all, she was the only one that understood them, that knew what they were saying.  Tai was freaked out and hung onto my leg.  After awhile, when it was obvious they were not going to leave and the noodle bucket was empty, we got up gathered our stuff and just walked away.  Jason and I left that scenario feeling very overwhelmed. Very violated. Very frustrated.  Very over stimulated. The only thing we wanted to do was hide and get away.  I honestly think if our guides were not with us, this thing would happen more often.  I think our guides keep this from happening to us, thankfully!

I now sit here and can't help but think about my children.  This is what is must feel like for them all the time!  Since the minute they hand them to us on Gotcha Day.  They did not ask for this.  They did not ask for these foreigners to come into their lives.  They do not understand what we say to them.  Our daughter lights up and comes to life when we play our Chinese CD's and movies.  That is familiar to her. Imagine how she must feel when people walk up to her and tickle her toes or look her right in the face and try to talk to her?  It must be exactly how we felt in China that day.  It is overwhelming and stressful.  We did a lot of things wrong with Tai when we brought him home.  We also did a lot of things right.  We are parents and we make mistakes.  We can't beat ourselves up about that.  But I have learned a lot since we brought Tai home.  I have read more books, talked to more experts and friends.  I knew no one in the adoption community before Tai.  I now have an amazing support system of other adoptive families to learn from.  I do not know what is always right or best.  But what I do know for sure, is that these next few weeks are crucial to my daughter.  What  happens now, will ultimately effect the rest of her life.  We have missed the first two years of her life.  We have a lot of catching up to do.  We have to let her know, to teach her, that we are her family forever.  Right now, she doesn't even know what that means.  After all, she has been ripped away from 2 families already.

I hope that soon we will be ready for visitors.  I miss my friends terribly.  When we do introduce everyone to Ali,  Jason and I need your help.  We will not pass her around for people to hold.  We need to be the ones to meet her needs.  We need to be the ones to feed her, give her bottles, change her diapers, pick her up when she falls or cries.  We would love for you to kiss her and tickle her.  But please be patient for that.  Blowing kisses and waving are great and appreciated!!!!!  But please let Jason and I do the touching....for now.  If you see her fall or see her cry, please let Jason and I be the one to pick her up.  She needs to learn what the role of a mother and a father are.  She needs to learn that we will always be there for her no matter what.  If you do come to our house, please just "be" in the home.  Ali needs to watch people first.  She needs to check you out.  When she is comfortable and ready, she will come to you.  If you just come in calmly and go about your business in the home then she will warm up to you.  Please just give her space.  She is very different than Tai was at this point.  She will check you out and watch you.  She is very cautious but she will warm when she is ready.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for understanding.